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Words That Work Wonders

August 5, 2021 // by Maria Sylvester

What if you had a nifty little treasure chest of magical words you could reach for to help smooth over all those rough conversational edges you experience in relationships? Ta-da! You’ve come to the right place. For contained right here, in this article, is my prize collection. Mind you, it’s not just any collection, but rather one that has been tried, tweaked, tested, and proven true — numerous times. My husband can definitely testify to such.

Words have the power to fuel or destroy our relationships. The art of choosing the right words is essential in decreasing conflict and increasing connection. Talking is one thing. Conversation is another. A truly meaningful conversation has the ability to calm and stabilize one’s heart and brain. A destructive conversation, on the other hand, can trigger a flash flood of cortisol and adrenaline in the body. Stressed individuals will seek to protect and defend themselves. Either way, our words have an impact — for better or worse.

A rich, five-star conversation, to me, is one of listening without judgement, speaking without criticism, and connecting with compassion and empathy. Easy to say, not always easy to do. Yet conversations, when done well, allow us to connect beyond our differences. For me, that’s a key intention. The words we use, as well as the style in which we utter them — our tone, reading of cues, and even the timing of our pauses — are all such elements that play significant roles in the outcome of a diamond-delicious discussion.

Best Intentions

Imagine yourself coming to your partner or a dear friend with the best of intentions for a meaningful conversation about a hard topic. There’s a lot to keep in mind. For starters, remember you are both wired differently, with unique psychological backgrounds, personal histories, and relational competence levels. Given these factors, I suggest first setting an intention to simply stay open and creative coming to the table, vs. the temptation to polarize around differences.

Next, create a spacious atmosphere for listening. One can do this by simple checking in to see if the other person is available to discuss a topic. Ask your partner, “Are you open to hearing something that’s been weighing on me?” If the timing isn’t great, agree together on when might work. Ideally, you want to enter the conversation mutually prepared to have it. The alternative is that one or the other feels cornered or caught off-guard, thus entering the conversational ring feeling unsafe from the get-go. I once heard it said that conflict is “growth trying to happen.” Nice, right? So prioritize listening. It’s best if you can start tough conversations by creating fertile ground for that growth trying to happen.

Choice of Words Matters

Let me share a few of my favorite words and phrases that have the power to infuse goodwill and positive energy into conversations. My marriage, for instance, has been delightfully transformed by the phrase “I have a request.” I love this opener, as it immediately communicates that the person of whom the request is being made has the freedom to choose a response. They can agree to meet the request…or not.

Making a request is different than saying, “I need…” When you tell someone you need something, it can feel, to my ear at least, more demanding, constricting — or, depending on the tone, even clingy. And, truth be told, under most circumstances, we all have the capacity to meet our own needs, even while longing for another’s support.

Requesting something is a beautiful way to express a desire, big or small. Requesting also offers a way to nicely, and without criticism, let someone know you prefer one behavior over another. For example, “I have a request: Can you please keep the opened mail in a separate pile?” This request rings lighter in the ear than, for instance, “I hate it when I have to sift through a pile of mail to get to what’s important.” The latter, of course, can indirectly imply criticism.

Then there’s the intriguing but/and duo. Both of these little three-letter words pack a powerful punch. They’re called conjunctions, and they serve to join two statements. And joins two ideas in an inclusive way. But joins opposite ideas.

That said, let’s consider the impact that using one or the other has on a conversation. In my experience, if a friend tells me they long to be in a relationship, but aren’t sure they’re ready, I hear a contradiction. The first part of the sentence feels weak, hard to believe, or just plain gets canceled out. If instead they say they want to be in a relationship and aren’t sure they’re ready, I take both elements to be true — their desire and their feelings of being unprepared.

In an effort to foster strong relationships, I suggest staying very conscious of when you plop a but in between two thoughts you are sharing. Using and seems a more inclusive way to roll — both your ideas will more likely be considered, with far less resistance to either.

Next, let’s consider practice of mirroring, a conversational tool that has long been thought helpful, yet one I personally don’t see utilized much. I, myself, am guilty of frequently skipping over this wisdom nugget. Mirroring is simply the skill of repeating back, in your own words, what you’ve understood another to have said. It’s an invaluable skill in that during the delicate interplay of conversation, one is too often more focused on preparing a follow-up response. It’s better to first confirm you have heard correctly what has just been shared. Not mirroring someone might indicate lack of attention. A commitment to paraphrasing what you’ve just heard ensures you’ll stay fully present when someone is holding forth. To not do so opens up fertile ground for misunderstandings, and sometimes even deep unintentional woundings.

One way to counter misconstruing someone’s words is to repeat back your version of what you heard, then asking, “Did I get that right?” Taking just a wee bit of time and giving attention to the details that matter, namely understanding another with care and precision, go a long way to foster powerful, rich relationships. Make sure you are comprehending another’s perspective before offering your own.

I’ve saved the best for last.My all-time favorite conversational sparker is the “Tell me more” request. Magic happens on so many levels when these three words come into play. They empower both the speaker and the listener. The speaker realizes that the listener cares about and values what’s being said, and that they desire more information. There’s also the indirect implication of a longing, on the listener’s behalf, to understand further. The listener, in asking to hear more, is additionally exhibiting the capacity to wait before responding. And the speaker, invited to carry on, can delve deeper into fleshing out ideas, feelings, or experiences. This automatically enhances the deliciousness of the moment for both parties!

Profound Impact

Everything we do effects others. We are interconnected beings always and ever impacting each other. Conversations are a central vehicle for furthering connections. Words are the linchpins in the process. Allowing yourself to be authentic and vulnerable, to expose the inner workings of your heart and mind to another through carefully-chosen words, forms the core of a healthy relationship. Our sense of aliveness is enhanced through our capacity to successfully express ourselves and feel truly heard.

So, my friend, I invite you to continue honoring the wisdom of words, and all the wonderful ways of speaking them!

This article was also published in The Brick Magazine

From Stuck To Unstoppable

July 16, 2021 // by Maria Sylvester

At the heart of my coaching practice is my dedication to helping people get unstuck so they can be unstoppable, and really see their lives soar. Moving your life forward to a place of such freedom that you experience the exhilaration of soaring is no small thing. I believe it’s a possibility for everyone.

Let’s consider, and celebrate here, all the mechanisms and forces that enable one to move in this direction of rich personal expansion. We all desire this. It’s inherently part of our life force — this longing for growth and expression of our pure potentiality. Yet, despite this draw, many of us humans on this planet often feel stuck.

Over the course of my lifetime, there have been more moments than I can count when I’ve felt it — the quagmire of deadlock in the exact instant I desire its opposite. Therefore, I’ve made it my mission to study this phenomenon, determined to learn a few secrets about how to release oneself from such states. I’ll share them with you here.

Goals That Aren’t Manifesting

Do you ever find yourself puzzling over why a goal or intention you’ve set for yourself — one you deeply desire — isn’t happening no matter what you’ve tried? Bummer indeed. This reality is actually what brings most of my coaching clients into my practice. These individuals are dedicated to growth and change for themselves, yet can’t quite unlock the missing pieces to making key things that they long for happen.

Invariably, we discover that the reason they’re stuck is because they’re still under the press of a subconscious old story or false belief. It’s as simple as that! Knowing this, however, is only the beginning of the release process, for these old stories run deep. Their hold over us quite frequently intense and tenacious.

The cost of remaining stuck in a false belief about yourself is extreme. It can mean the difference between a life of freedom, happiness, and serenity and a life of emotional pain, frustration, and thwarted efforts. So step one is becoming conscious of the fact that you hold a negative belief in the first place. Easy to say, but not always easy to accept. The challenge, however, is one we all face from time to time.

Untangling from the Story

I believe that at our core, we are all about goodness, purity, and peace. We’re born this way. Our existence is simply that, until it’s not. Life gets complicated quickly. Our inner worth and value becomes confused with all these mixed messages we get early on — messages about what is acceptable or not, about what feelings will be tolerated or which will not.

In childhood, we learn to suppress emotions that parents or significant figures in our life deem problematic. We create meaning out of situations we don’t understand. And the meaning we give those moments typically become negative stories about ourselves. For instance, a child growing up with a depressed parent unable to fully attend to nurturing concludes that they aren’t valuable, or good enough under this lack of attention. Children typically reference external events from the perspective of something being wrong with them. They don’t yet have the capacity to make abstract meaning out of events happening to them, so it’s always in some way “their fault.”

Sadly, these beliefs crystalize into subconscious stories that the child-turned-adult rigidly experiences as truth about themselves. And as long as beliefs remain subconscious, they run major interference with successful goal completion.

From Subconscious to Conscious

Here’s two secrets to recognizing you are stuck in a subconscious old story. First, in the moment, you will always feel younger than your stated age. Typically you’ll feel the age you were when the belief originated. I, for example, feel about three years old when I’m in my “not good enough” story. Recognizing that you feel younger helps you catch yourself and flip out of that story into your conscious truth — you’re an adult who is plenty good enough for all those in your inner circle! We never want to be striving toward a goal when stuck in our old story. It’s guaranteed not to go well.

Secondly, when stuck in a subconscious negative belief or story, you will experience the sense of feeling broken or needing to be fixed. Again, in this state, it’s not likely one will be able to tackle goals at full capacity. On the other hand, when we’re able to recognize that we’ve slipped into an old state because we feel strangely defective, we can move past it. We can step back into consciously recognizing our strong, competent, adult self capable of many possibilities. It’s only from a place of feeling possibility that we want to pursue our desires and goals. From this vantage point, success is well within reach!

To get unstuck, in other words, one must be willing to face and feel into something that typically doesn’t feel easy or good. There is the temptation to avoid. Additionally, have you ever noticed that when stuck, you often feel confusion? Being in a state of confusion is a tip-off that we’ve compromised our power.

Being stuck is a choice. Let me say that again. Feeling stuck or feeling free is a choice. You can dig your heals in, bury your head in the sand, and avoid the risk of new contemplations or new actions, or you can open your mind and heart to new awarenesses and possibilities. My vote is always for the latter.

Unstoppable You

Then comes the fun. The ease. The joy. From a place of being centered in the present, having cleared out those old stories, letting yourself feel all your feelings, and facing your fears rather than suppressing them, it’s time to move in the direction you desire. The shift will be amazing.

Formulate your intention or goal in the present, as if it has already happened. For instance, you might think about how you allow your relationship with your partner to be loving, harmonious, and playful. Or maybe you allow yourself to enjoy a career that inspires your creativity, meaningfully connects you with others, and brings great abundance.

Notice with these examples that the desires feel realistic and attainable. Additionally, you’ll want to be sure to include yourself in the statements. Envision intentions that are precise, concise, and relatively specific — but at the same time, not limiting. This allows room for the universe to work with you. Lastly, you need not be concerned with the “how” of specific steps or means through which the goal will manifest. Rather, simply focus your energy on the delicious end result as if it’s already yours. Feel into it and savor the experience of whatever sensations you notice in having it.

Now, top off the wonder of this process by letting your imagination soar. Vividly picture, using all your senses, what attaining your dream is like. Bask in whatever you notice or whatever emotions surface. Welcome your intention with love and appreciation. Let the pleasure you will most likely be experiencing carry your energy forward.

Having what we deeply desire need not be complicated. Rather, it’s an opportunity to step more richly into the flow and movement of life and of possibility. So go ahead and let yourself get unstuck; be unstoppable, and SOAR!

This article was also published in The Brick Magazine.

4 Keys To Nourishing Your Relationship

June 8, 2021 // by Maria Sylvester

In anticipation of my wedding anniversary, it’s time for my annual deep-dive relationship reflection time. I’m still feeling the exhilaration of a second marriage — it’ll be six years with my beloved this July. I’m determined to continue bringing my best self to him — this sweet, caring husband of mine — in as many moments as possible.

With that intention in mind, I’ve made it a priority to regularly devote time to considering how to keep my marriage in tip-top form. Or, perhaps most importantly, to discovering how to keep myself in tip-top form!

Nourish Yourself

The first key to nourishing a great relationship is to first nourish yourself. Concentrate, my friend, on tending to your personal garden of delights. Feed your soul exactly what it needs by way of little loving practices to support the essence of who you are and who you desire to become. Take time to lovingly feed your own spirit. Take time to grow. Know what matters to you, and focus there. This type of self-care is essential if you long to bring your best self to a partnership. We can only meet another to the degree that we have met ourselves.

For instance, if your physical health is a priority, tend to it by getting regular exercise and enjoying rich, nutrient-dense foods. Or, as another example, make it a practice to deliberately cultivate your personal interests. Devote time to things you relish, such as creative pursuits or intellectual explorations. In this way, you can be generative in your partnership, bringing to it offerings such as your wisdom, talents, or enhanced emotional awareness.

Knowing your specific personal boundaries is essential to self-nourishment as well as for a healthy relationship. Boundaries protect our values and our precious time. It’s super advantageous to know what’s important to you, and to be able to take a stand for yourself there. Boundaries link us back, time and time again, with our authentic self. There, you honor your deepest truths. Having established boundaries allows you to cherish and protect your unique interests and values. Bringing this clarity to a partnership is invaluable.

Cultivating friendships you treasure, separate from connections your share with your partner, is also a wonderful form of self-nourishment. Let your experiences in these relationships infuse your spirit with new ideas and fresh energy. When you can invest in meaningful personal friendships — connections that truly feed your inner being — you will be able to bring an even more fulfilled version of yourself to a beloved.

Pick Your Couple’s Word

A second key to fostering a rich, juicy, dynamic relationship is to organize your partnership around a chosen word. Be playful and light with this. It’s best if it’s a word you’ve picked together. Have it be a word that represents a direction you desire to grow toward as a couple. As I’m sure many of you know, individuals often pick a word they wish to embrace every new year to help them better themselves. This is a similar notion, just couple-directed. For our 2021, my husband and I made up a word that we’re organizing around: “funventure.” We are determined to bring more fun and adventure into our lives.

Having a shared word facilitates the growth of shared meaning between you two. And since you’ve both come up with it together, it’s easier to share the responsibility of bringing the intention to life. At any time, one of you can bring it into the spotlight, holding space to make it happen. Recently, for instance, my husband suggested we take a long, luxurious, country joy-ride in his little lemon yellow Austin-Healey Sprite sports car. Our afternoon delight was definitely a direct result of our “funventure” protocol!

Learn Something New

Deliberately deciding to learn something new together can have a wonderful impact on your intimate relationship. Exploring a new aspect of life, one you are both unfamiliar with yet curious about, allows you a chance to grow, learn, and share together. For me and my husband, the game of backgammon has recently become our uncharted new territory. Granted, we both played years ago in college, yet neither of us could recall specifics without reading the players’ manual. What a pleasure it’s been to share evenings learning the secrets of a great backgammon win!

This richness of connection that bonding over new experiences brings is truly priceless. And it’s a richness on multiple levels! Travel, for example, brings you to a new place with opportunities to experience and talk about individual perspectives of the land, people, and culture. At the same time, each person is emotionally moved and transformed by the journey. There’s also the opportunity to see and admire one’s partner outside of their regular routines. You’re in a new setting, doing new things without the typical day-to-day distractions. This fresh perspective can awaken new appreciations, and bring a sense of vibrancy to your connection.

Recently, a dear friend of mine shared how she and her husband were discovering the joys of bird-watching. Together they were exploring places where they could observe different species while savoring walks in nature. And as icing on the cake, my friend was able to have a woodpecker feast on food in her hand while her husband filmed the magic moment.

Practice Accepting Influence

Accepting influence simply means being open to the thoughts, ideas, and opinions of your partner. It’s a concept I first learned about through the Gottman Institute, an organization that offers a research-based approach to relationships. Interestingly, ever since I’ve started making a concerted effort to accept influence from my husband, things have felt lighter under our roof.

Accepting influence does not mean you have to necessarily agree on everything with your partner. It’s rather about simply acknowledging that your partner has a valid point. It’s a way of saying to your beloved, “What you think about matters and is important.” And, no surprise, what happens when we can remain open to another’s contribution is that relationship satisfaction goes up on both sides. Additionally, research has found that the more one is able to accept influence, the more that partner becomes themselves influential in the relationship. Win-win!

In our home, initiating this practice has meant that I’ve tried to stay really open to hearing my husband’s perspective on things. I’m then genuinely able to say, “I see your point.” Granted, this doesn’t always mean I agree with his position; but it signals that I care about it. Additionally, I’ve noticed that when consciously practicing this skill of accepting influence, I’m less defensive when discussing a topic I know, ahead of time, that we understand differently. Instead, I stay more curious about my husband’s perspective. Asking him to tell me more keeps the conversation open and on a positive plane, despite whatever challenges the content may hold for us.

Team Us

Team us! This is how I love to refer to my partnership. How about you? What would happen if you devoted deliberate energy to deeply nourishing your relationship?

Recharge it. Feed and fuel it with love, acceptance, playfulness, and the glorious gift of time. Stay ever awake and aware of all the ways you can say “yes” to your beloved. In other words, make your relationship a beautiful place for both of you to land!

Pleasure As Your North Star

May 6, 2021 // by Maria Sylvester

Ah, the experience of pure pleasure. You know the feeling; when you’re in it, it can be so divine. You drop down from awareness of your thoughts into a yummy experience in your heart and body — perhaps with a subtle, delicious buzz or tingle. You tune in there. It rounds you out and smoothes over all your rough edges. You feel more complete. More vibrantly alive. More open to the flow of life within and around you.

Pleasure, my friend, in all its many forms, is the key to deepening your connection with yourself and others. It can be a game-changing, guiding force in your existence.

I came to this realization only after having lived more outside a state of pleasure than within it for way too long. My intention here is to shorten your journey. I’ll muse about why I now completely, absolutely, and unapologetically prioritize pleasure in my life. It has proven to be my new inspirational go-to!

True uplifting comes from taking back your pleasure-power. I’m referring here not only to the power of your good thoughts or actions, but also the power of deeply embodying the joy you discover when experiencing a moment of pleasure. Allowing yourself to thrive in emotional states that bring you happiness, or a sense of lightness-of-being, are the best gifts you can give yourself and to others.

To embody such a feeling of deep satisfaction — meaning to be an expression of, or give tangible form to — is bound to lift everyone’s spirits to unprecedented heights. So I invite you to be extremely intentional. Make a commitment to, and focus on, elevating pleasure in your life.

Slow Down and Feel

One way I’ve realized how to experience more pleasure is by slowing down. When I can stop what otherwise might become incessant motoring — both mental and physical — and pause, positive things always happen. In the pause, I allow myself to breathe and then really tune into that breath. Noticing the movement there helps me center. Next, I can more easily shift my focus from my mind or what I’ve been doing to how I’m feeling.

Release Resistance

Registering your own energy or vibration is all that’s ever truly under your control. So, I next suggest that you try to take satisfaction in releasing any resistance to whatever stands in your way of feeling pleasure. Become conscious of those false, negative, or problematic beliefs and banish them. Maybe you have resistance around the belief that work comes before play, or a haunting recall of parental prohibitions against enjoying yourself. Maybe it’s your own critical, judgmental voice echoing in the background, or societal training emphasizing the need to always drive yourself to success.

Pleasure, on the other hand, is such a triumphant position. You may find yourself in hot pursuit of it, especially after reading this article. It can be absolutely exhilarating to witness how energetic you become when there are no obstacles to experiencing pleasurable states. So check in with your body. Think less and feel more. How is your body responding to an instance of pure bliss? Do you have goosebumps? An urge to dance? A long sigh of relief? There is a ton of valuable information here. And do note, my friend, that a relaxed body and nervous system offers a much stronger foundation for moving forward — an offer you must not refuse!

The opposite of this, of course, is discovering how your world can be unfavorably rocked when you’re not embracing good feeling states. For instance, when not in your highest pleasure, you may be more easily upset. You might be quickly triggered, or feel insecure. On the other hand, celebrating yourself or another person happens more freely when you’re independently thriving. I bet you have experienced this phenomenon.

Harness Your Creativity

To feel internally enlivened is to feel the glorious energy of creation. I believe we are each called to cultivate ways to take responsibility for our authentic pleasure. One such path is to awaken and strengthen your imagination. There is a well-spring of creative impulses within each and every one of us. Deliberately tapping into your imagination empowers you, permitting opportunities for personal expression and growth. Imagining what you desire to create and bring forth, using all your senses, can’t help but leave you feeling more invigorated and alive.

Sexual Pleasure Holds Keys Too

Appreciating the main ingredients for enhanced sexual pleasure and playfulness can also teach us ways to curate pleasure outside of the bedroom. Again, the ability to drop out of your head and into your body is key. Sensual awareness and the capacity to lose oneself to ripples of pulsating, building sensations heightens sexual, as well as day-to-day, pleasure. Diving deep into savoring the sensations that arise in your body at all times helps spark pleasures of all kinds!

Our bodies are wired to be highly reliable vehicles for joy, if only we allow ourselves to ride the waves. Floating luxuriously there, tuning in to every inhale (feminine energy) and exhale (masculine energy) fuels the magic. This juicy life-force is with us at all times. One only needs to remain self-aware, observe, listen, and let each and every mouthwatering moment move with and through you.

Lasting Perks

And so, my friend, can you see how connecting with what brings you pleasure then connects you more meaningfully with yourself? As an added perk, the more you connect with yourself, the better you’ll be able to build understanding and a richness-of-being with another.

So take a minute now and ask yourself: what brings you pleasure? What needs, desires, values, or sense of purpose light you up completely from the inside out? Set a compass in the direction of the pleasure forces and experiences you want guiding your life — your north star. Recognize the key elements of your unique pleasure principle; this will help you better align there.

Then, look out and get ready. Your life, I promise you, will break open in some pretty incredible ways once you truly harness the power of pleasure as your north star. A sense of personal expansiveness and empowerment will follow. Maybe even some giggles.

This article was also shared in The Brick Magazine

Curating Life as Art

March 29, 2021 // by Maria Sylvester

“All the arts we practice are apprenticeship. The big art is our life.” ~M.C. Richards

I have long thought of myself, and my life, as a royal work-in-progress. Though it may seem like a stretch, I’ve been intent on creating a masterpiece. It’s messy and magnificent all at once. Sometimes I draw inside the lines, other times outside of them. It’s much more fun that way!

Striving to curate my life artfully has demanded, in a wonderful way, that I adopt a super creative, open mindset — a way of thinking and being that considers all I encounter a medium for expression. For example, how I care for my body, what I wear, how I speak, where I travel, how I garden, who I spend time with, or (perhaps most importantly) how I love all offer opportunities for unique, playful, and creative declarations.

I’ll often ask myself, “What am I being called to create right now?” I always craft from the inside out. I consider this calling a sacred priority. What we make matters; what we make of our lives matters. Designing your life as a work of art allows you a beautiful opportunity to thoughtfully organize your experience. In other words, living artfully allows you to curate your reality in a unique, meaningful way.

I’ve discovered that when I deliberately focus on artfully living, I automatically awaken to more dimensions of myself and my world that may have otherwise been ignored. It’s as if I’m on alert, seeking to discover new representations of my existence within and around me. Reveling in the aesthetics of life deepens my appreciation of everything. This rather transcendent perspective — viewing life through a kaleidoscope lens of wonder and appreciation — makes for endless possibilities, fascination, and joy.

Each Day: Canvas, Page, Dance, or Song

If life is art and you are the artist, then each day is your creation. You can set your genius free to transform each and every fresh canvas of a day into expressions of colorful, personal meaning. Perhaps during some dawns, your blank pages become a perfect opportunity to alchemize dark, turbulent, painful feelings. You might write a story or poem that allows you to reclaim and embrace lost parts of yourself. Or maybe you move through your days choreographing each part into beautiful dances, performed solo or with a troupe of many. Maybe music is your prized medium, so you fill days with earnest sounds or songs that uplift your heart and inspire you and your people.

Each and every condition of your life can serve as an abundant muse of sorts, nudging you into fuller and fuller expressions of what you bear witness to. For instance, how might the energy of inspiration allow you to craft a day that feels truly enchanted? Or even a day that feels exquisitely utilitarian? The possibilities are infinite.

How profound is this? Artists are visionaries. You, and you alone, are the designer of the days you are blessed with. You decide the vibe you will hold, the tones that will be brought forward, and the impulses to be expressed. You choose exactly how you’ll show up. You pick what you’ll focus on, what goals you’ll achieve, and what time you’ll spend simply being. Your day serves as a container of sorts, allowing your imaginative thought and flow to give it further shape and character.

Art as Communication

Artists speak many languages — visual, auditory, tactile, kinesthetic, and culinary, to name a few. Each creator communicates unique perceptions and interpretations of the world through their instillations. As a result, the observer experiences one-of-a-kind pieces, unlike anything before.

You can cultivate your life as a powerful communication of whatever your soul seeks to take a stand for. For instance, maybe adventure is a priority for you. How would you give form to this pursuit? Or maybe you love all things literary, so crafting a beautiful space in your life and home for reading and writing might feel essential. For myself, I experience life as a spiritual path, so artistically creating opportunities for growth in this way feels important. I’ve built a little sanctuary in my home — an entire room dedicated to meditation, contemplation, and prayer. The space seems overflowing with good energy, and I had great fun decorating it to enhance its purpose. It draws me in each morning.

Constructing your life as an artistic expression speaks volumes to others. It tells them of your devotion to living well. You’ve given yourself full permission to exist on higher, more thoughtful planes of awareness. Others will likely experience you as quite intriguing and dynamic, just as exquisite works of art will have a different impact on each individual.

Creative energy is a flowing energy. It typically draws others closer. Recall what you do when observing a beautiful piece of art in a museum, or hear a lovely musical composition. You feel compelled to move toward it, or you turn up the volume. In this way, living your life artfully is bound to strengthen your connections to others. They’ll likely feel pulled toward you out of curiosity as well as their own desire for growth.

Love as My Main Medium

Modern Greeks often use the word meraki to describe what happens when you leave a piece of yourself in your work. These pieces could, for example, be your soul, your creativity, or your love. Meraki is what happens when you profoundly care about something so much, you put yourself fully into it. Your life is just that — your life! Are you fully in it?

I have to say that the main medium I strive to create with is love. It’s my go-to favorite. Dipping my paintbrush (and my heart) into love keeps things simple. This way, it’s pretty much guaranteed that my canvas will transform in a powerful way. So, I often set an intention to act from a place of love. I strive to leave a loving piece of myself in the moments I’m living. Love as a way of life is how I create meraki magic!

Creative energy is always seeking expression within us. I never cease to be amazed that when I actively choose to bring love energy forward, especially during dark or challenging times, masterpiece moments arise — moments of unexpected learning, emotional clarity, or intimacy occur. Love fuels my life force, as I’m sure is the case for many. This is why you’ll likely feel a special fulfillment when you create with this medium.

Art as Impact

Art helps us see with new eyes and feel with new depth. Art brings us alive with possibility. Imagine how incredible it feels to know that your life has touched others in a similar way. Celebrate knowing that your existence has already significantly impacted those around you and beyond. And that’s not to mention the incredible fun you’ll have during the creative process. So here’s to you, and to making living itself an art.

Caretaker of Your Thoughts

February 15, 2021 // by Maria Sylvester

Assuming stewardship over our minds can be a full-time job — a job that’s definitely essential.

The time, effort, and energy you bring to this work betters yourself and your community. You, and only you, are the caretaker of your thoughts. It’s a privilege, an honor, and a challenge. You are the one solely responsible for managing your perceptions and persuasions, your hopes and dreams.

Cultivating a strong mind has always been a priority for me. It’s a life-long practice. I believe that the quality of our thoughts determine the quality of our lives. Since I’m passionate about having a kick-ass, amazing, multi-faceted life, mindset caretaking will always remain at the top of my soul-care list. I’m all in for a golden mind and a golden life!

What takes root in your mind definitely impacts how you’ll feel and behave. What we think about profoundly and directly effects who we are. Therefore, the caretaking of your mind is a huge responsibility with a grand payoff — one that endlessly fascinates me. How do we best keep ourselves regulated in a good, solid state of mind? How do we manage this freedom of will? This is the challenge many of my life coaching clients face daily. Here, I’ll share my three favorite rants on the subject.

Vigilant Self-Awareness

Maintaining a golden mental state demands vigilance. Letting your thoughts slip into default mode is not really an option if you’re striving for a brilliant mindset. Instead, one must welcome the practice of radical self-awareness — of mindfully witnessing the subject matter of your thoughts and where they roam. It’s like tending a garden — you’ll want to carefully plant positive seeds, i.e. thoughts that align with your highest nature and desires, that enhance your feelings of well-being. Then you’ll want to observe how these thoughts grow, tending to your desires with gentle care and loving consideration. Lastly, you’ll want to weed regularly, clearing out whatever thoughts infringe upon your happiness.

One practice I do to help maintain a right frame of mind — meaning one that helps me thrive and do well in my life — is the ritual of tracking. I vigilantly track my moods, and when I notice a funky one, I’ll trace my steps backwards. I’ll reflect on what thought I was having right before I felt the mood dip. Regularly practicing this type of self-awareness has enabled me to quickly identify problematic thoughts that trigger my upset moods. Once conscious of such, I can make a choice: I can keep thinking whatever it is that leaves me in angst, or flip the thought into an idea that elevates me.

Understanding the Stress Response Cycle

Another reason I value taking care of my mind every day comes from appreciating the utter havoc stress can have on the body, as well as on our mental functioning. Science has taught us that the chemicals released in the brain during a stressful situation can actually shut down the immune system and the body’s ability to grow. In the emotional panic states of fight, flight, or freeze, for instance, the body allocates most of its energy to coping, protecting it in what feels like a life-or-death moment. Stress hormones, when raging through the body, inhibit the growth of otherwise healthy cells. The result is increased illness and a compromised immune system. I read somewhere that 90% of illness is stress-related. Crazy, eh? If that’s not motivation for maintaining a healthy mindset, I’m not sure what would be!

If our nervous system becomes racked with stress after we imagine painful scenarios, ruminate on negative ideas, focus on potentially bad outcomes, or make false assumptions, we’re suddenly heading down a self-destructive, potentially catastrophic path. Additionally, my understanding of the stress response is that when in this highly aroused state, our sense of conscious reasoning flies out the window. We’re likely to be highly reactive vs. responsive. Reflexive behavior takes over. In other words, we become less intelligent when stressed, and the body’s blood flow gets pulled away from the brain. That fact alone convinced me to practice good mindset caretaking!

Careful Mental Consumption

It seems to me that if you desire a golden life, you’ll want a well-exercised, sharply-focused mind. Habits help develop such. Consider carefully what weakens your mind, leaving you foggy, unfocused, or randomly grazing on useless content. Clearly good sleep, sound nutrition, regular exercise, and minimal or no use of intoxicating substances help keep our brains functioning well. Trying to avoid repetitive negative thought patterns also helps limit the likelihood of depression, anxiety, or mental paralysis.

Next, consider what you mentally consume on a daily basis. What do you let influence you? Is the media you watch, read, or listen to of high or low quality? Do you scroll endlessly, watch junk TV, or listen to mindless radio chatter? On the other hand, perhaps you meditate, read intellectually stimulating articles, do crossword puzzles, and listen to life-enhancing podcasts. Do you actively seek to strengthen your mind, or is it just along for a joy ride? Cognitive well-being is always enhanced by life-long learning. A sharp mind is a healthy mind! Step into your genius.

How about the friends and company you keep? What values and standards do they live by? I thrive on being surrounded by active learners who challenge and inspire me. I seek out relationships with people who have positive energy and uplifting thought patterns. I love hanging with spiritually awake humans who are very present in their lives, typically focused on personal development and growth. When I surround myself with highly-conscious, caring, fun-loving individuals, I grow exponentially. My mind is beautifully stretched and exercised. It opens up. All these factors are highly relevant to stellar mindset caretaking.

The Life Satisfaction Factor

The quality of one’s personal well-being and life satisfaction are, I believe, significantly impacted by how well we care for our minds. I’ve coached individuals who were so deeply entrenched in negative thought patterns and false beliefs that their lives were literally crumbling around them — not to mention the depression and anxiety that plagued them. Only after extreme interventions and serious team effort were they able to shift mindsets, and most importantly, the course of their lives. I frequently reminded them: “Thoughts are just energy, and one can always change their energy.” This proved instrumental.

I’ve also witnessed the beauty and bliss of those individuals who, despite serious life challenges and hardships, could maintain steady mental equilibrium and positive outlooks. They could repeatedly, and masterfully, problem-solve their way to even grander heights and lasting joy. Greater levels of personal fulfillment directly correlate to good mental caretaking strategies. Making an unwavering commitment to lovingly tend to your mental landscape is one of the very best gifts you can give yourself. The rewards are infinite.

Crossing the Threshold: A Magical Midlife Moment!

January 4, 2021 // by Maria Sylvester

Let me attempt to capture here, if even possible, an inner experience that literally stopped me in my tracks and left me completely out of sorts. It’s that moment when you notice an odd giant space between your thoughts. A truly vacant landscape. A clearing of sorts. In that instant, you’re unsure exactly how you feel. Happy? Sad? Confused?

I’ll zero in a bit more. The void occurred split seconds after I suddenly realized, with lighting-bolt impact, I no longer have any dependents to look after. Oh. My. Gosh. Anyone else with me here?

If so, perhaps you’ve experienced a similar surreal state. A huge hole opens. You fall in. You plummet into the awareness that you no longer need to mentally ponder any details of nurturing little ducklings — or, in my case, kids, dogs, and elders. Zillions of repetitive details become irrelevant. Details like what to feed them, how to cloth them, what to check up on, ask about, or help them with. Quite the change. It’s bizarre, really.

You see, my friends, as we head into this new year, life is dramatically different in our home. I’m sharing this with you because if it hasn’t happened already, it will most likely happen in your home at some point, too. So prepare yourself. Reach out to me if or when you need first aid or support as you venture through this mysterious portal.

The Basics

My daughter is thriving in her 24-year-old adult life. I get to relish her career accomplishments and the joys she experiences in partnership with her beloved. She no longer needs my care. Instead, we share the blessing of an incredible friendship and the delight of sharing many adventures together.

My parents are both deceased. My elderly father passed away several years ago. My mother died suddenly this past April from the coronavirus. Visceral memories of my parents’ powerful impact on my life randomly pop into my awareness. I smile. Or tear up. It all depends on what has surfaced. I can feel them with me with such emotional intensity; it’s otherworldly. 11:11 moments happen all the time too. My angels — they are so with me.

Yet, as suddenly as my mother’s passing came the instantaneous falling away of all considerations related to her well-being and care. No longer did I need to do any mental gymnastics to determine when I would call her, or ponder what I might bring her when I visited her next. Instead, there’s this incredible sad, empty void now where caregiving thoughts had previously existed. A vacant landscape, for sure.

The most recent shift — the one that clinched the totality of my massive mental and emotional transformation — was the loss of our little Yorkshire terrier, Sneakers. After 14 years of this little guy preoccupying a significant portion of my headspace, he moved on to the high heavens. We’re sure he’s romping around wild and free in a blissful state of pure doggie contentment.

Sneakers’ passing thus brought to an end all the simple and repetitive dog considerations. All dog owners, I’m sure, can relate. From the moment I woke up, it was always a routine. Time to feed the dog; let the dog out; playtime; cuddle time; loving time. And of course, as he aged, there were extra considerations. No reason to go there in my mind now. So odd.

Two Emotional Realities at Once

My new reality is indeed strange. It’s gut-wrenchingly painful and incredibly freeing. It’s both, in the same split second. Where do I emotionally land with all of this? How can I hold these awarenesses simultaneously? Which way might I turn? Have any of your ever felt what I am trying to capture here? The heart breaks open in two directions at once. You’re on a threshold.

Being a good enough daughter, mother, and pet owner has taken up a hell of a lot of heart and head space over the course of my life. In an instant, I’ve suddenly become free of worry or regard for all details related to the art of nurturing well. Granted, my beloved husband gets a ton of my loving vibes, but this kind of care feels different. It’s icing on his cake rather than essential for his survival and well-being. We’re simply creating a marriage by stringing one good moment after another together, ironing out the occasional wrinkles as necessary.

Different, Yet Delightful

It’s different, yet so, so delightful. That was what I felt as I sensed that new, strange whisper —the whisper of awareness: I can return completely to myself. I have no person or creature needing or calling for me. Wow. Happy New Year to me! I reveled in the realization that I could now focus on myself with a spaciousness I had not ever felt in my adult life. A magical midlife moment, one might say. A sweet portal to to the palace of Self drawing you in. I bet some of you can relate.

Returning Home to Myself

Returning home to myself was and continues to be an absolutely marvelous experience. Time feels deliciously different — because it is. I wake up and get to attend to myself first. How novel! Time feels rich and precious. Transformative, actually. Each day holds limitless possibilities. I feel expansive, and compelled to boldly seize the day. I can decide what I want to do, focus on, create, or tune into with fresh breath and depth. Is this real? I pinch myself. I get a new opportunity to fully become the woman I’ve longed to be, taking magnificent refuge in myself.

Most days start with meditation in a beautiful decorated l room I’ve recently created for myself in what used to be my daughter’s bedroom (with her permission and blessings granted, of course.) I even treated myself to the luxury of a vegan leather meditation chair — something I highly recommend, especially if backaches have derailed previous attempts to establish a practice. I’ve perfected the art of sitting still. Quite the change from the on-the-go, get-it-done, keep-juggling-all-the-balls mama-mode that I’d been in for so many years.

My day then continues to unfold in wonderfully unpredictable and magical ways. Perhaps I cook a breakfast feast, or maybe I fast. Some days I walk in the nearby woods, other days I hop on my elliptical. Maybe I spend time contemplating something I’ve read. Or perhaps I enjoy analyzing the dream I had the previous night, searching for clues to my next best move on my path. I love savoring the intuitive knowledge that drifts across my awareness as I go about my day, now more than ever able to trust myself with myself. This muscle has grown much stronger with age and the gift of time.

The joy of being able to slow down always harkens me inward. My attention and ability to focus internally fuels my superpowers and my spiritual life. I’m a better life coach for my clients, a better partner in my marriage, a more consciously connected friend, and a fun-loving, carefree mama for adulting-time with my daughter. Nothing seems to drain my life-force, and my creative energy is typically firing on all cylinders. I spend time and money investing in myself and my personal growth. I feel happy and content. Definitely up-leveled!

And so, my friends, as we enter another glorious new year, I know mine shall be like no other. I invite you to celebrate as I will be. I’m a free spirit continuing my upward evolution. Not wasting a precious second. Not settling for any midlife mediocrity. For time is lovingly moving us (and our dependents) right along.

Step into the spaciousness. Thrive there. Go after that which gives you goosebumps! And remember to take a moment to simply be.

This article is also published in The Brick Magazine

The Gift of Being Seen

December 9, 2020 // by Maria Sylvester

I’m sure you know the feeling. That moment when someone says or does something that lets you know they completely see and get you. You feel recognized and acknowledged for what makes you quintessentially you.

It feels delicious, yes? A sense of aliveness and joy ripples gently through your body. Every cell tingles happily. It’s a moment of significance because you feel significant. For at the core of our heart’s desire, we all long to be seen for who we truly are -for what makes us tick in all of our idiosyncratic magic and magnificence. It’s a fundamental human need. It’s a gift worth giving.

The gift of communicating that you truly see someone is, in my opinion, pure medicine for the soul. Both souls, actually. As the giver, you can relish in the pleasure of creating rapport that puts both parties on a wavelength of shared appreciation. As the receiver -the one seen- you get to bask in the warm glow of being known by another, perhaps without even having to explain yourself! Can you remember a time when you were cast in such a wonderful spell? The alchemy of a moment like this is both mysterious and life-transforming.

Unique Packaging

The gift of being truly seen can happen through many pathways -pathways as unique as each individual. When I was asking a few people about this, one person shared, “If I’m truly seen by someone, they will be able to take what they know about me and know how to respond without me having to constantly remind them of what my needs are.” Another said, “I feel seen when I can express a wide range of emotions and still be met with love, acceptance, and support.” Unconditional love and positive regard always deeply nourishes the spirit.

I, myself, have received the blessing of being beautifully witnessed in a number of ways. One friend reflected feeling “calm and grounded” in my presence. This offering meant a lot to me, because I strive to bring a calm and grounded self to my relationships. I was seen. Another friend referred to me as “a whisperer of goodness; a beacon of goodness. Wow, right? (Thank you, M.R. -I treasure this memory.) You put into words to my secret mission on the planet. Seen again. I danced a happy dance.

Recently, my husband pointed out how endearing it was to hear my foot tapping on the floor whenever I’m creating away at the computer. He knew by this sound that I was “in the zone.” So true, yet something I had never realized or appreciated I did. Interesting. Last example -recently a client said she experienced and valued my words as the “expansive, hope-infused words of a leader.” Hmm, I thought. She senses my energy! Seen again and smiling. Isn’t it amazing how we can come to even better appreciate ourselves through another’s eyes?

Let me just note that being recognized in a “this is me” kind of way is different than simply being “noticed.” To be noticed, pleasant as it can feel, is more of a by-chance, fleeting occurrence. We might notice, for instance, someone’s outfit, intelligence, or characteristic saunter. Noticing doesn’t necessarily communicate significance. When we let someone know that we truly seeing them, it goes deeper; it endures and counts as much more. The warmth and glow lingers.

Restorative Power

To give the gift of truly seeing another is to make a difference. A big difference. Too often, sadly, a person can wonder if they matter. When someone openly shares how they see us, or behaves in a way that lets us know they do, we light up inside. We feel even more of who we are, and who we are capable of becoming. We know, in that instant, that we matter. Feeling like we matter inspires us to grow, stretch, and live even more expansively.

One of the key components of my life coaching practice -an aspect I’ve honed and quite intentionally developed over the years- is the ability to really see my clients and communicate this back to them. They experience my seeing them as an invitation to further embrace and develop themselves. To take risks.

A person’s self-appreciation and self-recognition is greatly enhanced when another can mirror back to them, with respect and validation, elements of their character make-up that fosters their unique presence in the the world. In other words, we remember ourselves through the caring, appreciative eyes of another. How exquisitely restorative is that?

Sacred Communion

“Sacred communion” is a term I use to capture the majestic power of rich, deep, meaningful connection that happens between individuals intent on authentically sharing themselves. During sacred communing, both parties make themselves vulnerable, opening the doors of their inner world to be better know and understood. They speak their truth. They spontaneously communicate what is alive in them. They share where they genuinely live inside of themselves. Powerful stuff.

Communicating in this way intrinsically fosters closeness and intimacy. How we connect is, in my opinion, always fueled by a deep yearning to be seen and heard -and to be understood. The ancient meaning of the word understand is to “stand under.” If we are standing under another’s experience we are directing our awareness and perception there. We are gifting another our mindful attention. What we see is greatly enhanced on multiply levels, for both parties.

To be truly understood can feel like a moment of pure triumph, yes? Hope rises. The interaction becomes as a catalyst for further growth. This cultivating of meaningful connection, of sacred communion, of being seen, allows us be all the more human together. We reconnect with and celebrate the very best in ourselves. It’s what I consider the privilege of a lifetime.

Giving The Gift

So are you inspired? We long remember those who have seen us, yes? This is the gift of gifts! Let this article ever-deepen your commitment to try and truly see those you cherish, or those you meet along the path. Lovingly reflect back to them how you feel in their presence. Perhaps share what you experience their energy to be as you listen to them or see them in action. Giving yourself in this way will be treasured. I guarantee it.

This article was also published in The Brick Magazine.

Gratitude For Sacred Safe Spaces

November 5, 2020 // by Maria Sylvester

Your sacred space is where you find yourself again and again. ~ Joseph Campbell

To heal, we must feel. Yet, one can’t easily feel unless “held” in a safe way.

We all need this. We need the experience of security that comes from feeling safe, where we can simply be and feel trusting there. In the comfort of such security, we might then allow ourselves to drop down into turbulent waters — the waters of big emotions, especially the core ones: anger, fear, sadness, joy, disgust, excitement, and sexual excitement. For these are the emotions that happen physiologically, to all of us, whether we want to feel them or not. These emotions occur because we are human, and because certain circumstances trigger the experiences caused by these feelings in our bodies and nervous systems.

Sometimes, we may need to become gently reacquainted with some of these feelings, especially the more challenging ones. This is because when growing up, we perhaps learned to deny some of our feelings, or transform them into more socially-tolerated forms. It just so happens that as children, we discover very quickly which emotions are deemed acceptable and which are likely to cause problems or be threatening to others. So, to preserve the attachment to the grown-ups we so needed for survival, most of us began pretty darn quickly to bury some feelings, lest they threaten to rock the boat.

What is lost, however, during this sad operation cover-up, are parts of one’s authentic self. When you deny or push away core feelings, you lose your sense of aliveness — of confidence, connection, curiosity, and calmness. It is through the amazing phenomenon we call healing that you find your way back home to your full self — to vitality, energy, and an empowering life-force. Your empowering life-force. But there is another essential step in this process of re-embracing the self. Healing can happen only after one feels safe.

Safe Realms Are Key

Today, writing this, I’m filled with appreciation for the areas in my life I’ve discovered or cultivated as safe spaces (be it locations or relationships) within which I can simply exist without fear or trepidation. I refer to these places as my sacred safe realms. Within such realms, I can experience my full range of genuine thoughts and emotions as they happen in the moment. I experience such without judgement or shame. I breathe freely. It’s a sigh of relief. Sometimes a giant one!

I learned long ago that the reparative work of the psyche and soul happen effectively only in safe situations. It’s in the cultivating of safety that we can open both to ourselves and to others. When you feel safe, you can drop the protective barriers and defenses you’ve constructed to avoid pain. You can let your guard down and feel respected and supported. This is why, first and foremost, my relationship with coaching clients focuses on creating a safe emotional space — a container of sorts — for our work together. Only then can explorations into the inner world of traumas, hopes, and dreams begin.

Safe Relationships

What ingredients make up a safe relationship with yourself and others? It’s in the details and the little moments, in the sweet nuance of meaningful connection. It happens when we slow down. It happens when you offer comforting words or gestures. Or when you communicate a message of acceptance, fondness, or care. It’s there when you reach out and touch another with a loving caress or hug. Or when you offer a high-five as you celebrate a friend’s success. These beautiful gestures all add up to make an offering of a safe and gentle feast of nourishment for our mental health and emotional well-being. If you’ve given yourself these gifts, or known this experience with another (and I sure hope you have), you’ve most likely been filled with deep gratitude.

The Trust Factor

Additionally, I believe trust lies at the heart of an emotionally and physically safe relationship. Trust involves having personal boundaries honored and respected at all times. Additionally, trust in relationships means looking for the other to be reliable and able to be consistently depended on. Accountability with each other factors in, too. For instance, can you and your special person own, apologize for, and make amends when there has been a misstep or wrongdoing? If so, that feeling of sweet safety is likely to return.

Trust is fueled by maintaining confidentiality in all areas deemed private or personal. Trust also calls upon us to have integrity at all times — doing what you know is right, and steadfastly upholding one’s values. I believe a trusting relationship is one where each person generously assumes the best of the other. There is non-judgement and generosity of spirit; believing, first and foremost, that the other’s actions, words, or behavior are centered around good intentions. My friends, if all of these factors are in play, you can indeed deem your relationship a truly special and safe one!

Safe Places

In addition to safe relationships, we of course need safe places where we can just be and feel held by good energy surrounding us. What constitutes a safe space varies, as what that means varies by individual to individual. A safe place could be your bed, place of worship, library, or living room. Maybe it’s your favorite local yoga studio where you regularly plop yourself on a mat, surrounded by familiar faces and a trusted teacher. This might be just one of several magical places that bring you great peace.

Or, these days especially, perhaps you experience that “safe place feeling” as you hop on a Zoom call with a group of trusted friends or colleagues. Many group settings can offer safe refuge if the participants hold similar values and are committed to honoring and supporting each other. Here one can take risks and engage in conversations that might feel uncomfortable. In the right space, infused with care and compassion, anything human can feel speakable, and is often made more manageable as well.

Of late, one safe place for me has been my meditation chair, which is beautifully crafted from vegan white leather — something I splurged on as a way of concretizing the significance of the emotional state I choose to enter daily. It’s a state of sacred calm. A space I’m ever-grateful for! And I can’t not mention my big, comfy couch. What’s not to love about the way the pillows on it hug against my body, leaving me able to easily drop into an emotional place of contentment and rest?

Lastly, yet perhaps most significantly, let us not forget to consider nature as a sacred, safe realm. For being amid the calming energy of the earth’s electromagnetic field offers us a most magnificent reprieve from anxieties or worries that stress and tax us. I don’t know about you, but for myself, a simple walk through my neighborhood woods — deemed my local temple — is all it takes to soothe a racing heart, tight chest, or upset stomach. In other words, anxiety often ceases when we put ourselves in safe spaces. So head there!

Thanks-giving

And so, my friends, in this month of November, a season of giving thanks, let us appreciate all the safe spaces we have in our lives. Celebrate these unique containers that support your growth and transformation. These spaces hold us, allowing us to then feel, heal, and thrive. What a sweet, exquisite place to land.

This article was also published in The Brick Magazine.

Cheering Our Sisters On!

October 3, 2020 // by Maria Sylvester

“She can’t, or she won’t. Regardless, she doesn’t.”

These were the pained words my client uttered while sobbing, struggling to comprehend why her supposedly close friend of many years refused to acknowledge any of her recent accomplishments. My client was completely mystified and heartbroken. In that instant, I felt my chest ache and my breath catch. I knew and have felt similar trauma in friendship. It’s excruciating.

Women’s friendships and connections have the power to be incredibly comforting, supportive, and magical. When able to truly stand behind and celebrate each other, women create fierce forces of transformation. To have a friend who believes in you without a doubt and expresses this openly, especially when you’re experiencing success — this is a gift beyond measure. We spread our wings even farther under this kind of glow.

I believe that as women, we grow exponentially to the degree that we can ask for and receive support from others. I bet you’ll agree, dear Sisters — we all massively benefit from having special women in our lives who aren’t threatened by our victories, and who also won’t distance when we struggle.

However, as with my client above, that’s sometimes easier said than done. Sometimes, we look down from a successful mountain climb only to discover the friend we trusted, the one who would always be there rooting for us, has disappeared.

What Makes It Hard

I’ve always been curious about what contributes to the difficulty for some women to acknowledge and celebrate the achievements of friends. Competition, for instance, is highly encouraged in our society, and often between women. Magazines, media, and modern culture communicate that one “should” always reach for more — a more beautiful body, tighter skin, nicer clothes, a better relationship, or up-leveled career. As women strive toward success, culturally-driven comparisons too frequently result in feelings of insecurity, sadness, inadequacy, or low self-esteem.

For women who perceive their own cup to be half-empty, the likelihood of being able to celebrate a friend’s talent or achievement dims dramatically. From this negative vantage point, complimenting a friend’s win is much less natural. How sad, yes? Comparing oneself to others all too often fuels feelings of dissatisfaction, jealousy, and bitterness. For there will always be someone you can find who will be — in your opinion — doing more, creating better, producing faster, looking grander. Personal comparisons typically lead us into a shit-storm of envy and despair. So, I warn my coaching clients: don’t go there.

A second reason I believe it’s hard for certain women to recognize other women’s accomplishments has to do with what author Pat Heim termed the “power dead-even rule.” This is a subconscious rule that, unfortunately, damages relationships, power, and self-esteem. “The self-esteem and power of one, must be, in the eyes of each woman, similar in weight to the self-esteem and power of the other,” Heim wrote. In other words, dead-even.

If this balance shifts — for instance, with one person rising in career status — then other women may belittle, ghost, or ostracize the rising star. This behavior is an invisible process many are unaware of, yet deeply hurt by. It’s dysfunctional behavior aimed at trying to maintain one’s sense of equilibrium and “OK-ness.” Instead, previously healthy, strong, significant relationships can be destroyed by this.

Empowering Yourself and Your Friends

There are a multitude of ways we can support and champion ourselves and our female friends. If comparing has been your game and nemesis, why not instead of pitting yourself against another friend’s brilliance, compare who you were yesterday to who you are today. Challenge yourself a bit each day to step further into the direction you wish to grow. Move toward your vision from the inside out. Focus on yourself. Put your attention there. Walk those couple extra blocks, read that next chapter, listen to a new self-development podcast, create that next masterpiece! Turn your sweet, nurturing energy, first and foremost, onto you own glorious evolution.

There is no need to measure our worth against others. Absolutely nothing good comes from this. Instead, stay the path, love yourself, and celebrate heading more and more in the direction of your highest purpose and biggest dream. When we can cheer ourselves on, we are more filled up, internally satisfied — and then, of course, better able to cheer on our friends as well.

Rooting for our friends then becomes infectious, with the benefits of offering genuine support multiplying tenfold. When you believe in and care about a friend’s progress, you are letting them know that you truly see them, wish them well, and want them to rise. And it’s a funny thing: when others triumph, so do you!

The law of attraction kicks into full gear, drawing into our own lives that which we carry in thought. Think and feel loving and supportive of a friend’s success and prosperity, and surprise-of-surprises, watch your own achievements grow as well. That’s not even to mention the heart expansion and powerful feelings of connection that manifest when we witness and truly celebrate a friend’s positive outcome. Even the most accomplished of women you know — those friends who appear to have it all figured out — even these brilliant, sweet souls need your support, and deeply appreciate it.

Deeper Bonds and Unexpected Riches

The process of recognizing a friend’s superstar moment can’t help but nourish the relationship and depth of your bond. Lasting friendships are built on trust and the feeling of truly being seen, known, and understood. When you witness a friend’s thriving, you honor them. Their crown shines brighter, and so does yours!

Generosity of spirit is a compelling force, and always raises our energetic frequency and ability to have incredible impact in the world. A woman who can powerfully honor, love, and support another in her full glory is a strong woman. So, why not be the kind of woman who offers this beautiful gift to a friend? For another woman’s happiness, beauty, or success cannot, in any way, dilute your own — unless you let it. Attitude is everything. Go big, not small, in the cheering section. Watch your friendships, and yourself, thrive there!

This article was also published in The Brick Magazine.