#beyou

Be That Person

February 24, 2020 // by Maria Sylvester

“What if you were to be the person you needed when you were younger?”

I’ll occasionally wonder this out loud to a coaching client who is experiencing emotional distress. I wait and watch. Typically, I witness a subtle shift — a moment of quiet, yet profound, transformation. The anxiety, angst, emotional struggle, defensiveness, or blaming ceases. There is a pause. Then comes a smile of deep recognition and knowing. A smile of relief. This relief manifests because my question reminds the person sitting across from me that they are not powerless, but rather powerful.

I get the privilege of observing clients in moments of expanded self-awareness all the time. This simple idea — the possibility that one could be the person they needed when they were younger — can shift a a person from a state of helplessness to personal empowerment and freedom.

I’m always amazed and deeply moved when a client, reflecting on the notion that they could become for themselves what they wished from another, then heads emotionally in exactly the right direction for their healing. There is clear recognition of how they might think, feel, or do something in a new way. They step into a place of exercising personal strength. This is because quite often we know, at our core, what is necessary to change within or for ourselves. We have insight on how to fill an emotional void because we can vividly, often viscerally, remember what is missing. We know what we long for. We’ve felt the familiar ache for years. Honoring it feels quite validating.

Registering the Ache

Sometimes, unfortunately, the ache of remembering is an excruciatingly painful knowing. When I’m asking a client to “be that person,” they first have to register where, at the hands of another — whether intended or unintentionally — they didn’t have someone looking out for them. Instead, perhaps in the presence or the absence of another, they were emotionally wounded, or neglected, misunderstood, devalued, abandoned, abused, overlooked, not seen or acknowledged. These woundings, whether nuanced or extreme, result in a person feeling disconnected from themselves. The disconnection from and the burying of the authentic self occurs because a person has to wall off layers upon layers of emotional reactions simply to survive.

Woundings such as these tragically often occur in childhood, before the younger self has developed strong enough emotional resources and capacities to not be completely overwhelmed by the traumatic event. Instead, the child is flooded with painful feelings. If left alone during the experience or abandoned afterwards, the trauma is intensified. Adults, too, can undergo equally disturbing events — experiences that leave the individual longing for meaningful connection, empathy, support, and comfort from another to help make sense of and mitigate the pain. Holding, containing, and integrating big feelings is a challenge for many.

The Healing

The search for a rescuer or comforting presence is a normal one. The desire to have someone “be with us” when we are suffering makes sense, is completely understandable, and can be incredibly helpful. The only problem is that all too often, the reassuring, nurturing someone isn’t available in the moment. Registering our aloneness in these moments can feel risky, threatening to take us back into excruciating memories.

Yet adults, with more developed emotional, intellectual, and reasoning capacities, can bring more expanded or abstract meaning to past traumas. An adult, for instance, is better able to appreciate the fact that it was a parent’s depression that made them inattentive and unavailable, rather than the belief that they were an unlovable, undeserving child. As adults, we can learn to initiate parts of our own healing process. We learn to self-sooth with words, gentle comforting activities, or most significantly, by developing the ability to feel all of our feelings in our body without running from them or making up stories to think them away. The ability to turn within, to successfully hold, contain, and navigate our emotional landscape, is to discover the power of who we can be for ourselves. It is profound.

The Reunion

It is part of the magnificence of the human condition that when genuinely supported, encouraged, and — if I may dare say — given “permission,” a person can truly return home to themselves, learning to embrace and step into their resilience and personal agency. I marvel at this. I coach for these moments. For they are moments of getting to stand alongside another amazing soul as they awaken to their core self. This is where true aliveness resides!

To reinforce core strengths, I will sometimes remind a client that they can be their own “sweetheart” to themselves. They can talk to themselves lovingly, saying, for instance: “Sweetheart, you are scared and anxious right now, but I’m here with you. I’ve got your back. Remember, you’ve got skills now you didn’t have when you were younger.” There is great healing embedded in these simple, gentle conversations with oneself.

As another example, let’s consider a person overwhelmed with acute social anxiety. They struggle to regulate their reactions and emotions because they have moved into fight-or-flight mode — racked with jitters, a pounding heart, and racing breaths. In these situations, I might suggest that the individual gently remind themselves that saying hello to a stranger does not equate to a life or death threat, even though their body sensations seem to be triggering such a warning. In other words, I guide the client lovingly back to themselves, so they can harness their logic and emotional knowing.

The Aliveness

Tears of recognition and quiet joy often follow the kinds of caring directives I just described. This is because the person realizes, on a deeply experiential level, that being there for themselves can work wonders. And then, to further cement and consolidate their emotional learning and expanded self-awareness, we’ll talk together about and celebrate how self-empowerment feels — physically in their body, as well as in mind and spirit. This, my friends, constitutes an experience of transformation.

When one can be for themselves the type of person they needed when they were younger, utilizing core internal strengths to buffer the emotional struggles inherent in a difficult moment, there is relief. A dynamic, fundamental aliveness gets sparked. Accessing one’s internal resources and personal initiative is always healing.

So, dear readers: if you are longing to feel more vibrant and alive in your life, it is time to take yourselves to task. How might you return home to yourself and experience, right then and there, the person you needed most? Not sure? May I suggest you start with “Sweetheart…”

This article is also published in The Brick Magazine

The Best Way Forward Is Back

January 11, 2020 // by Maria Sylvester

Game on! 2020 is here. If you are at all like me, you’re carefully, deliberately pondering possible goals or intentions for yourself in this new year. Here’s a little secret that will pretty much guarantee extraordinary days ahead: the best way forward is back. Back to you.

For an amazing new year ahead, I recommend first rediscovering and resurrecting the forgotten you — your essence at the core of your being. Time to peel back the layers and find your center. Embrace this previous lost, or perhaps buried, version of yourself, and boom — future paths will fall powerfully into place. You’ll be on super firm footing. This is because returning home to ourselves always provides the best, most secure foundation for moving forward.

Think about it. If you try to leap ahead into fresh starts and new beginnings, all the while out of touch with your authentic self, things probably won’t go well. Consider for a moment the word transformation. Transformation means to rise beyond or soar above one’s form, into action. Trans. Form. Ation. It follows then that one might benefit from first knowing what form, or true self, one is seeking to expand upon.

Often, as we scramble through our days, we do not even realize when we are wearing a mask, or pretending to be that which we are not. We get so good at pretenses, or habitual ways of existing, that we can completely forget who we are underneath these layers. The false self begins to feel like the real self. We can glide along on the surface of our existence for a good long while this way, unaware. We might simply feel emotionally “off.” Despite this, too often we proceed to try and build our lives on this quicksand. We then fall head-first into ways of being and doing that are many steps removed from our true character, or from what is ideally going to serve us.

Goals and intentions most successfully manifest only if you are growing them from the place of alignment with your true self. Easy to say, yet how does one get there? How do we arrive at the most genuine, open version of ourselves? And what might it feel like when we land?

Acceptance and Appreciation

Accepting and appreciating yourself as you are now, at this very moment, is essential before trying to grow yourself further. So breathe; drop into the emotions that you are feeling right now. Dive deep. Practicing the art of radical self-awareness can help you acknowledge your present strengths, shortcomings, preferences, and ways of being that make up your beautiful, unique essence. This “you” deserves to be celebrated before being built upon.

We will be much more capable of moving forward in life if we can first see ourselves not from a deficiency model where we need to be “fixed,” but rather from a place of loving acceptance. I can’t say this strongly enough. Appreciate and accept who you are.

Like pulling an arrow in a bow back toward yourself before releasing it into flight, pull back gently into yourself for an instant. Know deep in your core that you have everything you need internally to have a great life — that you are special and unique simply because you exist. This awareness then positions you perfectly for any and all next steps on your flight path. There are really no limits to what is possible for you. Trust yourself with yourself. And then let that arrow fly.

Clearing Negative Beliefs

You can’t build a strong house on a weak foundation. Start the new year right. No need to waste time striving toward new goals if you are still holding tight to beliefs about your brokenness. Return home to yourself and ponder for a hot minute where you go in your head at your worst moments. This is key step back on the way to moving forward. Negative or false beliefs about ourselves, conscious or subconscious, can haunt us and definitely run major interference when striving to grow further.

Any goal or intention is unlikely to manifest when the person desiring such is living from a place of feeling “not good enough,” “unworthy,” “invisible,” “unloveable,” or “a failure,” to name a few possibilities. Might as well not waste time on new strivings until these beliefs are identified and amended.The perfect launching pad for further growth is always from a position of standing in one’s worthiness. When we feel worthy, anything is possible!

Aligning With Your Truth

So, assuming you have arrived at a place of deep self-appreciation, and cleared away dysfunctional old negative stories and beliefs about yourself, now you are primed to align with your truth. It is so empowering to live from the heart of what really matters to you. It takes courage and bravery to trust in your inherently divine nature, and stand strong in your desires and beliefs. Imagine moving into this new year fiercely embracing the qualities and dreams that make you uniquely you, then building toward even greater expression of your full potential.

When we truly know and believe in ourselves, and align there, we grow exponentially in confidence, self-expression, determination, and lasting happiness. Standing in your truth — “I am who I am” — and honoring yourself there fuels the clarity you need for taking on new ventures, opportunities, and challenges. In other words, you are primed to go after new goals and intentions.

To me, knowing yourself includes experiencing yourself as enough — as wise and insightful, resilient and resourceful in having lived all you have lived up to this point. It means loving yourself unconditionally and without judgement.

From this place, there are really no limits to what you can go on to achieve. Moving forward into the new year will be all about growing an even more magnificent you, rather than moving forward with goals aimed at correcting for shortcomings or feelings of brokenness. We are much more likely to be successful in achieving our dreams if we come at them from a place of wholeness.

And so, my friends, the way forward is back. Reclaim your beautiful, brilliant self, and then step fully and radiantly into your days ahead! Possibilities are endless from this vantage point.

Love yourself completely, return to the root of your own soul. ~Rumi

This article was also published in The Brick Magazine.

Perfectly Imperfect

October 11, 2019 // by Maria Sylvester

“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me that is the essence of beauty.” ~ S. Maraboli

I tend to roll through my days so much better, and feel so much happier, when I concentrate my energy on being my perfectly imperfect self. Trusting in one’s natural flow, or way of being, doesn’t always come easy. You have to practice. Stay real. Accept your flaws. Your shortcomings. Embrace good enough! Mastering the art of seeing yourself as perfectly imperfect is at once extremely challenging and one of the most empowering ways of knowing and valuing yourself.

Savoring the idea that I’m “perfectly imperfect” has become one of my favorite organizing principles and ways of existing in the world. To view myself this way—as innately fine with what is naturally created within and about me—feels great! It is actually easier to strive toward my dreams and goals when committed to my perfectly imperfect state. And I encourage my coaching clients to embrace a similar stance of glorious self-acceptance. It is quite a freeing and empowering way to experience oneself.

Heck, if we are flawless in all of our flaws, we can settle into the comfort of just being ourselves. Imagine that. There is such magnificent energy and rich possibility in this. No need to always be striving to self-correct, change, alter, adjust, fix, or repair a broken self. Instead, you can confidently and easily move forward in life trusting that everything about yourself, and your choice of action, is in divine order. Let me say that again: divine order! Growth happens exponentially to the degree we believe in the okay-ness of ourselves. It’s quite an exhilarating experience to be able to be in each and every moment feeling plenty enough, despite one’s inevitable human blemishes.

The perfectly imperfect framework offers additional perks as well. Taking risks, for instance, is much less intimidating when you don’t have to worry about being without fault. One is much more likely to experiment, try new things, or step out in new ways when imperfect outcomes are considered downright perfect! There really is no place for self-doubt or worrisome rumination when imperfection is valued or a natural state of affairs. In fact, conditions are ripe for grand exploration of a multitude of things when one can do so blissfully free of any pressure to be immaculate all the time. There is no place for, or need of, any judgements or criticisms under the glow of perfectly imperfect humans. Mistakes made are simply part of the essence of one’s existence.

Consider, for example, the joy of singing. So many of us are innately inclined to belt out a tune or two, maybe even with an accompanying hip wiggle, when we are alone. Spontaneously, one is often drawn to this call of musical self-expression. Yet we get in public, and oh no, never! Singing in this format can easily become something believed strictly for the “experts.” Unless, of course, you have mastered the mindset of a perfectly imperfect you. Then, look out world! You’ll easily heed the call to burst forth in song. You’ll be in your element, feeling vibrantly alive and creatively self-expressed. And those within earshot will be blessed by the melodies, in or out of tune, that surround them.

Imperfections are where we find our connection with each other. We meet there. We are downright approachable there. As perfectly imperfect humans. Our flaws are how we leave our mark of unique personal expression on the world. When we witness in another a fault, a struggle, mishap, or blemish, we find ourselves. Isn’t it comforting? This mirror of the other can indeed evoke compassion. We more easily see and get each other. We can truly relate to one another. We feel so much less alone.

Even better yet, appreciation for ourselves and others grows as we expand our capacity to tolerate imperfections. Pursuit of perfection, on the other hand, can actually spoil attractiveness. Paralysis can set in as one strives for the unattainable. Relationships and connections flat-line, and can become boring amid the unrealistic striving for that which actually makes us less interesting and real.

So stay in the land of appreciation, my friends. Treasure and cherish your unique, exquisite faults. Just be naturally you. Know you are beautiful, talented and wise. Stand unapologetically strong and confident in all that makes you perfectly imperfect you!

This article was also published in Ann Arbor’s The Brick Magazine