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Relationship Secret Sauce

April 4, 2020 // by Maria Sylvester

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” ~ Moulin Rouge

We’ve all had to find our way when it comes to intimate relationships. There were no classes in school that taught us how to successfully “do” them. Granted, there have been thousands of books and articles written on the subject.

Committed to navigating my intimate relationship as well as possible, I’ve read many of those books and articles, yet I still feel quite challenged in this area at times. I’m sure life-long learning on this topic is in the cards for me, because there are as many ways to brilliantly make relationships work as there are people in them.

My preferred relationship learning mode is the experiential one. Through many relationship moments, and the trials and errors they’ve gifted, I’ve managed to concoct a little recipe — my secret sauce, if you will — to help me maintain a healthy, rich, and juicy intimate relationship.

There are three key ingredients I regularly reach for. When I toss them into the mix of my marital dynamics, our connection invariably assumes a more positive charge. The recipe that deliciously spices up our relationship includes slowing down, leaning in, and listening. And I mix them into the relationship soup in exactly that order. I’ll unpack each a bit for you here.

Slowing Down

A powerful mantra that I created for myself some time ago goes like this: “Do less, feel more.” I carry this principle into every aspect of my life, yet it has proven most powerful in my intimate relationship. This is because when one is in constant “doing” mode, you risk becoming disconnected from yourself and others.

In order to do less and feel more, one must slow way down. Slowing down allows you, first and foremost, to meaningfully connect with yourself. Moving at a slower pace allows you to rest and replenish yourself. Doing so, you are more likely to become aware of what is happening internally. You can notice what you’re feeling.

In the spaciousness that slowing down offers, you can more easily self-reflect and tap into your intuitive knowing. From this place of self-awareness, you’re then much better prepared to connect and interact with your partner. And, perhaps most importantly, you’ll have more to give coming from a rejuvenated and authentically present state. One can’t serve from an empty vessel.

Slowing down additionally allows you a better likelihood of responding rather than reacting when emotionally triggered in your intimate relationship. In a less rushed state, you’re able to thoughtfully process events and feelings. Things between you and your beloved will register more specifically and meaningfully in all realms — emotionally, intellectually, physically, and spiritually — when you give yourself the time and space to chill. To simply be. To take in. To breathe.

Lean In

Next, I discovered that once slowed down, I’m invariably more inspired to gently lean in. By this I mean feeling inclined to cross from my side of the relationship bridge — with all of my feelings, opinions, and perspectives — to reflect on and consider my partner’s side of things. Leaning in, to me, refers to the notion of deep empathetic engagement. It’s about being kind, compassionate, and truly committed to trying to understand your partner, especially when his or her ways seem foreign or very different from your own. Much easier, however, said than done.

What happens to my commitment to “leaning in,” for instance, when we’re at odds, strongly disagreeing or arguing? What happens when the angst of discord nudges you in the direction of wanting to lean way out? This is when I remind myself to remember how much I love and admire my husband, even though I may be angry with him at a given moment. For it’s always just that —a moment. And really, what is a relationship but a string of moments, one after another, threaded together through time?

So, you know what? Remembering and appreciating your love for you intimate partner, even when you’re upset with them, can help you keep leaning in. A generous heart helps you cross the divide. Love lifts us. It keeps us in the game. And from my experience, it serves us well to call love up and keep our hearts open, especially during times of relationship stress and strain. In relationship mode, we are ever-challenged to continually grow and cultivate our heart space.

Listen

Once we’ve slowed down and leaned in, we’re often feeling the fire of fondness, and ready to add the third ingredient to our secret sauce. Becoming an extraordinary listener adds a powerful punch to any intimate relationship. To me, listening is the ability to stay curious inside and out.

Interfacing well with your partner demands that we practice really hearing them, while also attending to what is happening internally for ourselves. Yet, our own internal dialogue and musings need to take a momentary backseat. Ideally, I believe the best relationship communication outcomes result from giving a full and interested ear, first and foremost, to your partner’s sharing. Intentional listening is essential to fostering meaningful, successful, evolving intimacy.

When we can put our own stuff aside — intensely listening to our partner without focusing for even one hot minute on our next response — we hear many levels of information we might otherwise miss. Listening, in my book at least, involves receiving information on all sensory fronts. It’s about observing tone, expression, cadence, posture, and energy, as well as noting actual words spoken. There is great richness here!

You can learn so much when you fine-tune your listening and attention. When you’re committed to practicing and mastering the skill of deep listening, magical things happen in the partnership. This is because your person, your beloved, will feel powerfully seen and cared about under the glow of your attentive presence. They will invariably experience being with you as profoundly different, and much more special, than what they are used to with others.

Lastly, a wonderful, direct offshoot of being lovingly and exquisitely listened to, is that trust deepens. And as trust grows, a person feels more secure and safe. Feeling emotionally safe is a precursor to one’s partner wanting to further self-reveal. And, as they share more, intimacy can’t help but deepen. So, challenge yourself to become an intimate listener.

And there you have it, the three key ingredients in my secret relationship sauce. Mix ‘em all together and magic starts to happen. Put forth the effort and watch your relationship grow ever more yummy and delicious!

This article was also published in The Brick Magazine

Traveling Through Transitions

March 8, 2020 // by Maria Sylvester

One thing that life does not spare for any of us are transitions. Existing as a human on this beautiful planet of ours means that inevitably and intermittently, we’ll experience changes in our lives. These changes may come as a gentle pull forward or a sudden, harsh push. Regardless of whether or not we care to travel to such new destinations, we are always nudged forward amid the constant flow of life. Sometimes we move into transitions by choice, and sometimes they come unexpectedly, forcing us into a new territory. Either way, transitions beg the question: “Now what?”

If in the throes of transition you pause and unpack that question, you’ll discover feelings of two general varieties: the uncomfortable ones — uncertainty, doubt, worry, fear, anxiety, loss, and insecurity — and the uplifting ones — hope, possibility, growth, excitement, and joyful anticipation. You’ll encounter this colorful mixture of feelings as you navigate new places and possibilities.

One of the main reasons people seek me out as a life coach is for support when facing a transition. There are multiple kinds of transitions — from high school to college, college to career, or from one career to another. Other transitions include going from being single to being in a relationship, in a relationship to marriage, marriage to parenthood, active parenthood to empty nest, marriage to divorce, health to illness, or illness back to healing and health. The list is endless. And from any of these vantage points, one is called upon the face themselves in unique, new ways.

From No Longer to Not Yet

Here’s my best guess as to why, at a transition junction, one often seeks guidance. First and foremost, I believe it’s because moving from one milestone to another stirs up uncertainty. A state of uncertainty is not the easiest or most comfortable state to hold. One can feel quite vulnerable sitting in it. It’s the land of the unknown, a rugged landscape of foreign terrain. One can see, and more importantly, one can feel what they are about to let go of or lose, yet not have a clue as to what life will look or feel like on the other side. This lack of clarity often traps us, causing stress, doubt, and hesitation.

This unsettling state occurs in part because at some stage, we have to leave familiar schemas — those known cognitive frameworks, concepts, or ways of being that help you confidently organize, interpret, and process information. Inherent in the process of rolling through a life transition is the challenge of leaving known schematic shores and setting out to sea, to a destination unfamiliar and unclear. For many, this can bring just a tad of anxiety or discomfort, even if one is choosing a specific change.

Leaving the comforts of known shores often conjures deep feelings of loss. You are called upon to let go of what will no longer be. If you’re not careful, you can get stuck focusing on this loss, especially because it is easier to recognize that than what lies ahead. The future is unknown.

Life transitions therefore involve learning to tolerate a state of not yet arriving someplace new. This is what can derail us. Why? Because shifting your gaze toward strange or unpredictable circumstances can bring feelings of loss of control. The in-between path is blurry. One might feel unprepared or lost — ultimately, we don’t like not being in control. It’s no fun, yet not necessarily unmanageable. Letting go of the past isn’t easy, especially when the future, even if desired, remains a big question mark. At the same time, it can truly help to remember that letting go always sets us on a course of dynamic personal growth.

What’s Under Your Control

Life transitions call for courage and a focus on what you can control. Rather than dwelling on the uncertainty, I love encouraging my clients to remember all they do know, possess, and have control over. They are resourceful and resilient, and have numerous strengths they can call forth to see them through the rough waters of change. Empowering confidence and comfort arise when you can remember all the skills and abilities you already possess and can, if desired, bring to the table of changing tides.

Character traits such as humor, intelligence, patience, compassion, self-awareness, and creativity as just a few of many useful talents one can access during times of transition — not to mention the ability to connect with others and enjoy their support and care. This simple change of perspective — from what is out of one’s control to what is in one’s control — packs a magnificently powerful punch. Worries or anxious negative self-talk cease quickly when you can concentrate on the strengths you’ve got in your backpack as you move through any transition.

Pacing Matters

I know for myself, probably one of the most significant things I’ve learned about traversing life’s transitions is to do so slowly, if at all possible. This is because rarely can one see the whole picture of what’s ahead. Taking pause, I’ve discovered, can be a good thing. It allows one to catch their breath. To survey the big picture. To consider the next inspired steps — one-at-a-time steps. And with time for lots of reflection! Rounding each turn on a new path carefully and mindfully fosters that all-important state of rich self-awareness. Heightened understanding of one’s self is a gift of life transitions.

Know Your Triggers

To grow in understanding yourself during a transition means to also know how the current situation you are facing may trigger memories of past shifts you’ve made in your life. How did those go? Remembering and registering such can bring fruitful insights to your present process.

Were you terrified or overwhelmed as you moved from one place in your life to another, yet perhaps discovered peace and exhilaration on the other side of that change? If so, what did you learn that can be applied to your current reality? Or, maybe the present challenging transition you are approaching can serve a healing corrective for a previous change gone less favorably. What key learnings can you apply to the transition you’re standing in front of?

Arriving on the Other Side

Opportunities abound on the other side of your transition. This I guarantee. For now you get to know and feel that which your previous self could not! Arriving on the other side of a change lets you experience yourself as someone who has successfully done it. You get to savor the fruits of your labor, courage, and capacity to weather change. Perhaps best of all, you get to realize a new you as you land in a new place in your glorious life. Fresh starts and new beginnings rock!

“Light precedes every transition. Whether at the end of a tunnel, through a crack in the door, or the flash of an idea, it is always there, heralding a new beginning.” ~Theresa Tsalaky

This article was also published in The Brick Magazine

Cultivating Wonder

November 4, 2019 // by Maria Sylvester

“Always be on the lookout for the presence of wonder” ~E.B. White

I’ve recently discovered a secret, intoxicating way to feel consistently uplifted and expansive in my life. I’ll share it with you: I’ve been cultivating a state of wonder! Allowing myself to cozy in and hang out here, considering life with admiration, definitely keeps things fresh and far from boring or routine. Instead, launching my thoughts from a place of wonder powerfully infuses new perspectives into my landscape. Being open to a state of wonderment—allowing yourself to feel surprised amazement, awe, or joy as you savor what comes your way at any given moment—always brings new understandings and awarenesses into play.

Life can feel richer, and hold greater meaning and depth, when I approach it with astonishment and curiosity. I’ve found it exhilarating to wonder because it keeps my mind open and in a state of possibility. You can’t help but feel good when you are pondering. It’s a great place to be. And the beauty of it is that one can contemplate anything and everything.

Embodying this state has, as an additional perk, also enhanced my emotional commitment to pleasure—pure, unadulterated pleasure. Those who know me can easily confirm that I try to find and experience pleasure everywhere. I love to be wowed! It uplifts my mood, keeps me happier, and furthers a sense of expansive well-being. It’s a delightful place to land. Potent endorphins kick in when we allow ourselves to be in awe, and from there, we can’t help but be gently lulled into a sweet euphoric state. All that said, I highly recommend viewing your world through the eyes of wonder! Let me share three ways you’re guaranteed to benefit from adopting this vantage point.

Wonder Furthers Flow

Intentionally observing your world through a lens of wonder is life-enhancing on many fronts. Being in wonderment furthers flow. Being in flow means being so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter. Flow is about full-out involvement. Maintaining openness is like taking a magic pill. For it is our inner experience and attitude that impacts how we interpret events. If our attitude is one of awe—of being amazed at things before us—we more automatically cultivate perceptions that can bring us joy.

Some of my best moments, when I feel most vibrantly alive, are when I’m stretching myself to grow, taking on a challenge, or pushing my expanding borders. In the midst of these types of experiences I’m in flow, completely absorbed in what I’m doing. Presencing wonder helps facilitate these forward actions. Amazement can pleasantly grip you. It’s a darn good, curious feeling, and it has the additional effect of nudging you toward a bold following-through with your intentions. So by bringing a sense of wonder into the mix, we are controlling for a level of internal contentment. Again, this is because our inner experience is what determines the quality of, and our capacity for, how we experience each moment.

Wondering Counters Frustration

If one is musing, one is naturally curious and questioning rather than feeling stuck or frustrated. When faced with a challenging situation, if you contemplate the predicament, your mind automatically opens to considering different options, solutions, or new facets of reality—similar to how a prism filters a display of beautiful colors. If, instead, you simply let yourself sink into the frustration of a tough circumstance, barriers and obstacles are much more likely to multiply. Your vision is narrowed when frustrated.

Nestling in wonder, on the other hand, can serve as a preventative of sorts, keeping your awareness and energy more positive in difficult situations. You’ll attend differently. The capacity to reflect allows us to assess experiences, especially tough or traumatic ones, much more broadly. It’s a more expansive state of being compared to frustration, which leaves you often feeling trapped or at a dead end. Musing can actually safeguard you from getting caught in a rut of angst or despair.

Astonishment can additionally embody a feeling of not quite believing what one is seeing. For example, pure awe at a sky filled with stars, your child’s first giggle and smile, or a magnificent sunrise. If you are fascinated by something, it is hard to also feel frustration at the same time. So approaching moments from a place of marvel, amazement, or even bewilderment, allows us to connect with our world more vividly.

Wondering Enhances Relationships

My experience of, and in, relationships has greatly improved since making a commitment to embrace a state of wonderment. I connect, share, and attend to others more deliberately and meaningfully. Engaging in relationships from a perspective of curiosity—instead of assuming, concluding, judging, comparing, criticizing, or defensively posturing myself—packs a powerful punch. And when interactions get complicated or tense, reflection helps me stay in the game in a much better way. Experiencing a sense of fascination or intrigue about the circumstance I’m in with another is much more pleasant than getting annoyed, angry, or shutting down.

Connections with our fellow humans are plenty complex enough in their moment-to-moment unfolding. If we too quickly dump our own conclusions or habitual patterns of thinking into the mix, an encounter can become quickly stilted or stressful. If, on the other hand, we simply pause and gently wonder about another’s behavior, we open ourselves to better outcomes. Curiosity, empathy, and compassion come into play.

Things are much more likely to roll well between my husband and I, for example, when I can witness his idiosyncrasies from a place of curiosity or marvel. Thinking about him and his ways keeps me in discovery mode. I feel more loving and connected. Intrigue pulls us toward another. It’s a truly magical and magnificent. Manifesting a reverence for life’s moments is a key ingredient to nurturing dynamic, juicy, rich relationships. Presencing wonder is, dare I say, downright wonderful! Nest there, my friends. Nest there.

This article is also published in Ann Arbor’s The Brick Magazine